The Cask of the Golden Mushrooms
by DisneyVillain13
Summary: Waluigi tells this parody of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Cask of Amontillado", in which he gets revenge on Wario for insulting him.


Chapter 6

_**The Cask of the Golden Mushrooms**_

The thousand injuries of Wario I had borne as I best could; but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge. You, who so well know the nature of my soul, will not suppose, however, that I gave utterance to a threat. _At length_ I would be avenged; this was a point definitely settled--but the very definitiveness with which it was resolved precluded the idea of risk. I must not only punish, but punish with impunity. A wrong is unredressed when retribution overtakes its redresser. It is equally unredressed when the avenger fails to make himself felt as such to him who has done the wrong.

It must be understood that neither by word nor deed had I given Wario cause to doubt my good will. I continued, as was my wont, to smile in his face, and he did not perceive that my smile now was at the thought of his immolation.

He had a weak point - this Wario - although in other regards he was a man to be respected and even feared. He prided himself on his connoisseurship in Mushrooms. Few inhabitants of the Mushroom Kingdom have the true virtuoso spirit. For the most part their enthusiasm is adopted to suit the time and opportunity - to practice imposture upon the Koopa and Toad millionaires. In painting and fighting, Wario, like his allies, was a quack - but in the matter of rare Mushrooms he was sincere. In this respect I did not differ from him materially: I was skillful in the Mushroom Kingdom Mushrooms myself, and bought largely whenever I could.

It was about dusk, one evening during the supreme madness of the Kingdom Fair season, that I encountered my brother. He greeted me with excessive warmth, for he had been eating and drinking much. The man wore motley. He had on a tight-fitting party-striped dress, and his head was surmounted by a conical cap and bells. I was so pleased to see him that I thought I should never have done wringing his hand.

I said to him: "My dear Wario, you are luckily met. How remarkably well you are looking today! But I have received a crate of what passes for Golden Mushrooms, and I have my doubts."

"How?" said he. "Golden Mushrooms? A crate? Impossible! And in the middle of the Kingdom Fair!"

"I have my doubts," I replied; "and I was stupid enough to pay the full Golden Mushroom price without consulting you in the matter. You were not to be found, and I was fearful of losing a bargain."

"Golden Mushrooms!"

"I have my doubts."

"Golden Mushrooms!"

"And I must satisfy them."

"Golden Mushrooms!"

"As you are engaged, I am on my way to Wayoshi. If any one has a critical turn, it is he. He will tell me-"

"Wayoshi cannot tell a Golden Mushroom from a Poison Mushroom."

"And yet some fools will have it that his taste is a match for your own."

"Come, let us go."

"Whither?"

"To your vaults."

"Brother, no. I will not impose upon your good nature. I perceive you have an engagement. Wayoshi-"

"I have no engagement-come."

"Brother, no. It is not the engagement, but the severe cold with which I perceive you are afflicted. The vaults are insufferably damp, they are encrusted with niter."

"Let us go, nevertheless. The cold is merely nothing. Golden Mushrooms! You have been imposed upon. And as for Wayoshi, he cannot distinguish a Poison Mushroom from a Golden Mushroom."

Thus speaking, Wario possessed himself of my arm. Putting on a mask of black silk, and drawing a roquelaure closely about my person, I suffered him to hurry me to my Palazzo.

There were no Koopa servants at home; They had absconded to make merry in honor of the time. I had told them that I would not be back until morning, and had given them explicit orders not to stir from the house. These orders were sufficient, I well knew, to insure their immediate disappearance, one and all, as soon as my back was turned.

I took from their sconces two flambeaux, and giving one to Wario, bowed him through several suites of rooms to the archway that led into the vaults. I passed down a long and winding staircase, requesting to be cautious as he followed. We came at length to the foot of the descent, and stood together on the damp ground of the catacombs of the Waluigis.

The gait of my brother was unsteady, and the bells upon his cap jingled as he strode.

"The crate," said he.

"It is farther on," said I; "but observe the white cobwebs which gleam from these cavern walls."

He turned towards me, and looked into my eyes with two filmy orbs that distilled the rheum of intoxication.

"Nitre?" he asked, at length.

"Nitre," I replied. "How long have you had that cough?"

"Ugh! ugh! ugh!--ugh! ugh! ugh!--ugh! ugh! ugh!--ugh! ugh! ugh! ugh! ugh! ugh!"

My poor brother found it impossible to reply for many minutes.

"It is nothing," he said at last.

"Come," I said, with decision, "we will go back; your health is precious. You are rich, respected, admired, beloved; you are happy, as once I was. You are a man to be missed. For me it is no matter. We will go back; you will be ill, and I cannot be responsible. Besides, there is Wayoshi-"

"Enough," he said: "the cough is a mere nothing; it will not kill me. I shall not die of a cough."

"True, true." I replied; "and indeed, I had no intention of alarming you unnecessarily - but you should use all proper caution. A 1-Up Mushroom will defend us from the damps."

Here I extracted two green 1-Up Mushrooms from the shelf in which they lay.

"Eat," I said, presenting him the Mushroom.

He raised it to his lips with a leer. He paused and nodded to me familiarly, while his bells jingled.

"A toast," he said, "to the buried that repose around us."

"And I to your long life."

He again took my arm, and we proceeded.

"These vaults," he said, "are extensive."

"The Waluigis," I replied, "were a great and numerous family."

"I forget your arms."

"A huge, Koopa claw d'or, in a field azure; the claw crushes a Piranha Plant rampant whose fangs are embedded in the heel."

"And the motto?"

_"Nemo me impune lacessit."_

"Good!" he said.

The Mushroom flashed in his eyes and the bells jingled. My own fancy grew warm with the 1-Up. We had passed through walls of piled bones and shells, with crates and barrels intermingling, into the inmost recesses of the catacombs. I paused again, and this time I made bold to seize Wario by an arm above the elbow.

"The niter!" I said; "See, it increases. It hangs like moss upon the vaults. We are below the river's bed. The drops of moisture trickle among the bones. Come, we will go back. Your cough –"

"It is nothing," he said; "But first, another 1-Up Mushroom."

I reached him another green Mushroom. He bit its cap off. His eyes flashed with a fierce light. He laughed, and threw the rest of the Mushroom upward with a gesticulation I did not understand.

I looked at him in surprise. He repeated the movement – a grotesque one.

"You do not comprehend?" he said.

"Not I," I replied.

"Then you are not of the brotherhood."

"How?"

"You are not of the masons."

"Yes, yes," I said, "yes, yes."

"You? Impossible! A mason?"

"A mason," I replied.

"A sign," he said.

"It is this," I answered, producing a trowel from beneath the folds of my roquelaure.

"You jest," he exclaimed, recoiling a few paces. "But let us proceed to the Golden Mushrooms."

"Be it so," I said, replacing the tool beneath the cloak, and again offering him my arm. He leaned upon it heavily. We continued our route in search of the Golden Mushrooms. We passed through a range of low arches, descended, passed on, and, descending again, arrived at a deep crypt, in which the foulness of the air caused our flambeaux rather to glow than flame.

At the most remote end of the crypt there appeared another less spacious. Its walls had been lined with human and Koopa remains, piled to the vault overhead, in the fashion of the great catacombs of Isle Delfino. Three sides of this interior crypt were still ornamented in this manner. From the fourth the bones had been thrown down, and lay promiscuously upon the earth, forming at one point a mound of some size. Within the wall thus exposed by the displacing of the bones we perceived a still interior recess, in depth about four feet, in width three, in height six or seven. It seemed to have been constructed for no especial use within itself, but formed merely the interval between two of the colossal supports of the roof of the catacombs, and was backed by one of their circumscribing walls of solid granite.

It was in vain that Wario, uplifting his dull torch, endeavored to pry into the depth of the recess. Its termination the feeble light did not enable us to see.

"Proceed," I said; "herein are the Golden Mushrooms. As for Wayoshi-"

"He is an ignoramus," interrupted my brother, as he stepped unsteadily forward, while I followed immediately at his heels. In an instant he had reached the extremity of the niche, and finding his progress arrested by the rock, stood stupidly bewildered. A moment more and I had fettered him to the granite. In its surface were two iron staples, distant from each other about two feet, horizontally. From one of these depended a short chain, from the other a padlock. Throwing the links about his waist, it was the work of a few minutes to secure it, on account of his large belly. He was too much astounded to resist. Withdrawing the key, I stepped back from the recess.

"Pass your hand," I said, "over the wall; you cannot help feeling the niter. Indeed it is _very_ damp. Once more let me _implore_ you to return. No? Then I must positively leave you. But I must first render you all the little attentions in my power."

"The Golden Mushrooms!" ejaculated my brother, not yet recovered from his astonishment.

"True," I replied; "the Golden Mushrooms."

As I said these words I busied myself among the pile of bones of which I have before spoken. Throwing them aside, I soon uncovered a quantity of building-stone and mortar. With these materials and with the aid of my trowel, I began vigorously to wall up the entrance of the niche.

I had scarcely laid the first tier of the masonry when I discovered that the intoxication of Wario had in a great measure worn off. The earliest indication I had of this was a low moaning cry from the depth of the recess. It was _not_ the cry of a drunken, bloated man. There was then a long and obstinate silence. I laid the second tier, and the third, and the fourth; and then I heard the furious vibrations of the chain. The noise lasted for several minutes, during which, that I might hearken to it with the more satisfaction, I ceased my labors and sat down upon the bones. When at last the clanking subsided, I resumed the trowel, and finished without interruption the fifth, the sixth, and the seventh tier. The wall was now nearly upon a level with my chest. I again paused, and holding the flambeaux over the masonry, threw a few feeble rays upon the figure within.

A succession of loud and deep screams, bursting suddenly from the throat of the chained form, seemed to thrust me violently back. For a brief moment I hesitated -I trembled. Unsheathing my rapier, I began to grope with it about the recess; but the thought of an instant reassured me. I placed my hand upon the solid fabric of the catacombs, and felt satisfied. I returned to the wall. I replied to the yells of him who clamored. I echoed -I aided -I surpassed them in volume and in strength. I did this, and the clamorer grew still.

It was now midnight, and my task was drawing to a close. I had completed the eighth, the ninth, and the tenth tier. I had finished a portion of the last and the eleventh; there remained but a single stone to be fitted and plastered in. I struggled with its weight; I placed it partially in its destined position. But now there came from out the niche a low laugh that erected the hairs upon my head. It was succeeded by a sad voice, which I had difficulty in recognizing as that of the not-so-noble Wario. The voice said:

"Ha! ha! ha! - he! he! he! - a very good joke indeed - an excellent jest. We will have many a rich laugh about it at the palazzo - he! he! he! - Over our dinner! - he! he! he!"

"The Golden Mushrooms!" I said.

"He! he! he! - he! he! he! - yes, the Golden Mushrooms. But is it not getting late? Will they not be awaiting us at the palazzo - Lady Mona and the rest? Let us be gone."

"Yes," I said, "let us be gone."

_"For the love of God, Waluigi!"_

"Yes," I said, "for the love of God!"

But to these words I hearkened in vain for a reply. I grew impatient. I called aloud:

"Wario!"

No answer. I called again:

"Wario!"

No answer still. I thrust a torch through the remaining aperture and let it fall within. There came forth in return only a jingling of the bells. My heart grew sick--on account of the dampness of the catacombs. I hastened to make an end of my labor. I forced the last stone into its position; I plastered it up. Against the new masonry I re-erected the old rampart of bones. For half a century no mortal has disturbed them. _In pace requiescat!_


End file.
